Heart Surgery

I've been thinking about my endeavor to become a person of moderation. It's hard. It requires a change of heart as well as a change of habit. The Holy Spirit has to change my heart in this area, and I have to cooperate. Why I'm surprised that having heart surgery without anesthetic hurts, I don't know.

Today in the Brestin book she brought to my attention several proverbs about having "too much" of a thing:

• Prov. 23:20--too much wine or meat or drowsiness leads to poverty and rags;
• Prov. 25:16--eating too much honey makes you vomit;
• Prov. 25:27--it's not good to eat too much honey or to look for your own glory;
• Prov. 30:8-9--to have too much food and be full always encourages me to deny the Lord!

That last one stuck me particularly today, so I'll share it in full:

"Keep deception and lies far from me, / Give me neither poverty nor riches; / Feed me with the food that is my portion, / That I not be full and deny You and say, 'Who is the LORD?' / Or
that I not be in want and steal, / And profane the name of my God." (Proverbs 30:8-9)

Practically speaking, this happens in me: I run to the food because I simply don't want to bother to run to the Lord. It's easier to eat. I haven't often practiced running to Him and waiting there until I find satisfaction. I throw myself at His feet like my toddler throws herself down in a tantrum, yelling "I not happy!" And if I don't immediately feel the "waves of the Spirit crashing down on me" (or something) instantly, I get up and go find a graham cracker. Just like my toddler.

And so, though I am embarrassed to admit it, what I'm really saying with my eating habits is "Who is the LORD?" This seems to me to be a manifestation of me being one of those "holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power" (2 Tim. 3:5). Scalpel. Ouch.

Father! I am so sorry to have harbored this unbelief and pride. I would not ever on a test check the box that said "God has no power really," but I've checked it hundreds of times on a test that matters more--my daily life! Please forgive me. Please change my heart. Help my unbelief; Lord, I believe! I know You have great and surpassing power, and Your power and authority extends to me. Teach me the perseverence and diligence in prayer especially to sit at Your feet and wait. Thanks for loving me and bringing me to this place. Thanks for doing surgery on my heart; help me endure it and come out a 'new and improved' version of the new creation You've already made me in Jesus.

"A Woman of Moderation"

I have been convicted regarding my lack of discipline in how I approach eating and food. Really, it's a hobby, a recreational activity, and...what I often turn to when I need help.
What? Isn't the Lord the one who is "our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble" (Psalm 46:1)?
Ummm...yeah. Him and chocolate.
And salty things. And other sweet things. And things that are crunchy or chewy. And pretty much anything that can be swallowed. They are, in their way, my refuge and strength.

Problem. I've known for quite a while that I've got some misplaced worship, but food is so easy to rationalize! It's not really mind-altering; it's not really addictive; it's not overtly sinful; I have little kids...and so I let it go.

Well, pray for me, friends, because I'm getting off this train. I have to because I know God doesn't want us to compromise in our love for Him. And I can guarantee that I will not succeed in reversing a lifetime of misplaced love without prayer, a strength of commitment I don't have on my own, and a lot of hard work that I don't really have the courage for. So basically, God is going to have to do this in me.

My friend Tara brought to my attention a book by Dee Brestin called "A Woman of Moderation: Breaking the Chains of Poor Eating Habits." I'm starting to work through it now, and I'm hoping it will give me some insight into myself and into the way the Lord wants me to be. One thing that I'm particularly interested in practicing is praying through the Psalms and turning what she calls "soul hunger" into worship and prayer rather than into Mint Chocolate Chip. I'm hoping to use the blog here to give you updates on this process.

So teach us to number our days...

So teach us to number our days

that we may present to You a heart of wisdom.
--Psalm 90:12

This verse leapt out at me when I last ran across it. It's so easy to have a day just pass by--slipping through my fingers with no perceivable substance. I'm not talking about the "mommy days" consumed with wiping noses, playing kitchen, cooking, cleaning, disciplining, or running to the store. These things have value themselves as service and the work of the day. I'm talking about the attitude I sometimes take on where I don't even pay attention to those sorts of things. The day just...passes. I don't love much; I don't serve much; I don't pray much; I don't learn much! The minutes tick by without me being fully present. Psalm 84:10 says "For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand outside." By the same thinking, it's better for me to have a little time in which I'm fully engaged than a lot of time lost to mindlessness. And since the Lord gives me my time as a gift, shouldn't I appreciate it more fully?

I am remembering a Chris Rice lyric from several years ago:

"Teach us to count the days / teach us to make the days count / lead us in better ways / that somehow our souls forgot / life means so much"

Lord, You are the source of wisdom and the numberer of my days. Would You please teach me to number mine, to really pay attention to each of them, so that I may present to You a heart of wisdom? I confess my squandering of time, opportunities, and resources in aimless mental wandering. Lord, I don't want to go through this life a fool, or as a person wise in my own eyes. Only You can change me; only You can help. Thank You for my days; and for Your loving instruction of me.