"Don't Fall Off the Wagon, Bruce!"

Having leapt off the train of food idolatry (or whatever) I was riding on some runaway wagon of growing in godliness. Then it hit a bump, threw me off, and ran me over. It wasn't that I got off; I got thrown. So the discipline to read the lady's book and follow up with the scripture prayers went on down the road while I lay there in the dust, a little dizzy. Alas. There were some good changes in my heart that became evident at that time, however. I had largely corrected the thinking that said food will solve my problems or make me feel better. So when I was discouraged, frustrated, or emotional (which was a lot), I generally didn't try to resolve it with my mouth. Yay. Sometimes I even went around muttering, "If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right; sin is crouching at your door. It desires to have you, but you must master it" (God to Cain, Gen. 4:7). That was helpful. I have still been working out with great gusto, and yes....it's possible that I kinda like it.

But discipline is good, and there's still much heart change waiting to happen. So I hitched a ride to the next wagon depot and got back on. I saw dear AP's most recent blog and thought I'd better sign back on, especially for accountability's sake. {I would like to hear about your suggested workouts, by the way.}

So that's where I've been. And now Noelle from the other room is crying and saying, "Mommy, I want more coffee. Oh, I spilled the coffee. Oh, I slipped on the water with the coffee cup...." and now she's here, most definitely wet....oh...and she's now dumping the leftover travel mug coffee on the carpet next to the computer...and saying "Let's get some more coffee, Mommy."

Oh my.

UBO (Unidentified Blogging Object)

Not much new here; except now I'm working out regularly at the Wellness Center. What?! Who is this writing? I don't know; but she's all sweaty.

Why Day Fourteen Is Actually Only Day Eight

Ms. Brestin tells me that on "Day Four" I'm supposed to fast for 24 hours.

So I was on "Day Three" for quite a while. The better part of a week, really.

Mark tells me that I tend to think in "extremes"--things have to be done right now or never. I'm either (in my mind) a great mom or a terrible mom. Totally right and justified in all my ways; or entirely to blame for all the world's problems. This comes out in my behavior, too. I can be super sweet and patient in the face of tantrums or I can about rip off someone's whining face. (It's true.) I can be an understanding, forebearing, gentle, pleasant, supportive, and encouraging wife or an angry, selfish, snappy, grumpy, unreasonable one. Thinking in extremes sometimes works to my advantage: it motivates me to serve God more whole-heartedly, for instance. But generally speaking, having more moderation in my brain would probably be a good thing.

I have a little familiarity with fasting; I had a friend in high school who would fast two and three days at a time, several times a month. Surely I've read in books about fasting being a good spiritual discipline. Growing up Catholic, I know about meatless Fridays and fasting from chocolate, tv, facebook, etc. "for Lent." And my own pre-Jesus story involves a two-week "fast" in which I lost 38 pounds. So knowing my
(1) general lack of solid understanding about the true meaning and appropriate expression of fasting;
(2) personal baggage associated with weight loss; and
(3) my tendency to be an extremist
I was very nervous about this challenge. First I excused myself by going online to find a website to tell me I couldn't do it while breastfeeding. Got it. Then I further excused myself due to personal history, saying I wouldn't want to have incorrect motives; then I excused myself because of my fear of doing it.

One morning last week I finally got around to reading the rest of the study for Day Four, since I figured I should at least skim it before skipping it and heading on to Day Five. And this is what I read:

"[John Piper says] 'The purpose of a true fast is to express to God that He is the supreme hunger of our heart--that we are starving for Him'....[Brestin writes] It is crucial that you not only 'stop' eating but 'start' feeding on the Lord...Our problem is that we are often hungrier for other things than we are for God" (21).

And I realized that this challenge was for me as much a mental and spiritual battle as anything else. Duh. So having eaten breakfast, I decided rather impulsively to fast until dinner. Half a day. Wanting to show God and myself that I am hungry for Him, and hungrier indeed for Him than for lunch.

Miss one meal. Not a big deal. Really. What was funny is that making this decision immediately threw me into almost a panic. I started to feel weak. My muscles started aching. I felt shaky, desperate for food--even though it had only been a couple hours at most since breakfast.

As I struggled with my 10 a.m. deterioration, I began to see just how much power over me that the promise or crutch of eating had. And I was sad. I prayed while on a little walk that God would take my tiny step and meet me the rest of the way. And that I wouldn't die.

At lunch time, Mark and I had this conversation:
M, at the table: "Are you hungry?"
Me, on the couch: "Yes, I'm starving."
M: "You can eat."
Me, in a moment of profundity: "Yes, the question is can I not eat?"

The hardest part was that first two hours.

During the afternoon, I dutifully read the suggested "Psalm meal" (thinking 'whatever, crazy author lady!') for the day, Psalm 119:25-32. It was the first time I had ever read a Psalm and been able to say, "That is how I feel!" even though it would be very melodramatic of me to claim all of it. But there were some especially key parts:

• "I have told of my ways, and You have answered me; Teach me Your statues" (26).
• "Remove the false way from me, and graciously grant me your law" (29).
• "I shall run the way of Your commandments, For You will enlarge my heart" (32).

And at dinner time, I hadn't perished. So that is my testimony about silly Katie's 1/2 day fast. God did meet me with the strength to finish that offering to Him, and it really did free up more space in my heart for prayer, for His power, and for learning to turn to Him. He is enlarging my heart, and I'm both excited and terrified. Please pray with me that I would be faithful to grow at the rate He pleases.

Heart Surgery

I've been thinking about my endeavor to become a person of moderation. It's hard. It requires a change of heart as well as a change of habit. The Holy Spirit has to change my heart in this area, and I have to cooperate. Why I'm surprised that having heart surgery without anesthetic hurts, I don't know.

Today in the Brestin book she brought to my attention several proverbs about having "too much" of a thing:

• Prov. 23:20--too much wine or meat or drowsiness leads to poverty and rags;
• Prov. 25:16--eating too much honey makes you vomit;
• Prov. 25:27--it's not good to eat too much honey or to look for your own glory;
• Prov. 30:8-9--to have too much food and be full always encourages me to deny the Lord!

That last one stuck me particularly today, so I'll share it in full:

"Keep deception and lies far from me, / Give me neither poverty nor riches; / Feed me with the food that is my portion, / That I not be full and deny You and say, 'Who is the LORD?' / Or
that I not be in want and steal, / And profane the name of my God." (Proverbs 30:8-9)

Practically speaking, this happens in me: I run to the food because I simply don't want to bother to run to the Lord. It's easier to eat. I haven't often practiced running to Him and waiting there until I find satisfaction. I throw myself at His feet like my toddler throws herself down in a tantrum, yelling "I not happy!" And if I don't immediately feel the "waves of the Spirit crashing down on me" (or something) instantly, I get up and go find a graham cracker. Just like my toddler.

And so, though I am embarrassed to admit it, what I'm really saying with my eating habits is "Who is the LORD?" This seems to me to be a manifestation of me being one of those "holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power" (2 Tim. 3:5). Scalpel. Ouch.

Father! I am so sorry to have harbored this unbelief and pride. I would not ever on a test check the box that said "God has no power really," but I've checked it hundreds of times on a test that matters more--my daily life! Please forgive me. Please change my heart. Help my unbelief; Lord, I believe! I know You have great and surpassing power, and Your power and authority extends to me. Teach me the perseverence and diligence in prayer especially to sit at Your feet and wait. Thanks for loving me and bringing me to this place. Thanks for doing surgery on my heart; help me endure it and come out a 'new and improved' version of the new creation You've already made me in Jesus.

"A Woman of Moderation"

I have been convicted regarding my lack of discipline in how I approach eating and food. Really, it's a hobby, a recreational activity, and...what I often turn to when I need help.
What? Isn't the Lord the one who is "our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble" (Psalm 46:1)?
Ummm...yeah. Him and chocolate.
And salty things. And other sweet things. And things that are crunchy or chewy. And pretty much anything that can be swallowed. They are, in their way, my refuge and strength.

Problem. I've known for quite a while that I've got some misplaced worship, but food is so easy to rationalize! It's not really mind-altering; it's not really addictive; it's not overtly sinful; I have little kids...and so I let it go.

Well, pray for me, friends, because I'm getting off this train. I have to because I know God doesn't want us to compromise in our love for Him. And I can guarantee that I will not succeed in reversing a lifetime of misplaced love without prayer, a strength of commitment I don't have on my own, and a lot of hard work that I don't really have the courage for. So basically, God is going to have to do this in me.

My friend Tara brought to my attention a book by Dee Brestin called "A Woman of Moderation: Breaking the Chains of Poor Eating Habits." I'm starting to work through it now, and I'm hoping it will give me some insight into myself and into the way the Lord wants me to be. One thing that I'm particularly interested in practicing is praying through the Psalms and turning what she calls "soul hunger" into worship and prayer rather than into Mint Chocolate Chip. I'm hoping to use the blog here to give you updates on this process.

So teach us to number our days...

So teach us to number our days

that we may present to You a heart of wisdom.
--Psalm 90:12

This verse leapt out at me when I last ran across it. It's so easy to have a day just pass by--slipping through my fingers with no perceivable substance. I'm not talking about the "mommy days" consumed with wiping noses, playing kitchen, cooking, cleaning, disciplining, or running to the store. These things have value themselves as service and the work of the day. I'm talking about the attitude I sometimes take on where I don't even pay attention to those sorts of things. The day just...passes. I don't love much; I don't serve much; I don't pray much; I don't learn much! The minutes tick by without me being fully present. Psalm 84:10 says "For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand outside." By the same thinking, it's better for me to have a little time in which I'm fully engaged than a lot of time lost to mindlessness. And since the Lord gives me my time as a gift, shouldn't I appreciate it more fully?

I am remembering a Chris Rice lyric from several years ago:

"Teach us to count the days / teach us to make the days count / lead us in better ways / that somehow our souls forgot / life means so much"

Lord, You are the source of wisdom and the numberer of my days. Would You please teach me to number mine, to really pay attention to each of them, so that I may present to You a heart of wisdom? I confess my squandering of time, opportunities, and resources in aimless mental wandering. Lord, I don't want to go through this life a fool, or as a person wise in my own eyes. Only You can change me; only You can help. Thank You for my days; and for Your loving instruction of me.