Fun Christmas Activities

No deep musings today. Here are some of the fun things we've been up to in December:

Getting a tree from the tree farm. I got to pick it out!

We observed much snow at our house.

I made these crafts through the tutelage of my friends Kara and Lindsay:

The chocolate cupcake rolled in coconut snowman and the folded magazine tree. I enjoyed both of these.

We've been baking/cooking with my mom a lot this week: Muddy Buddies, White Chocolate Trail Mix, Gingerbread Cookies, Pot-O-Chili, Sugar Cookies, and Chocolate-Dipped Pretzels so far. I had to wrap up the rest of the M&Ms in a bowl in plastic wrap to help us control our snacking! Yum yum.

I'm pretty sure this was a Hershey's kiss on Joel. Noelle sorted the chocolates by color of wrapper, but she ate several in the process, unwrapping them even as she said, "I'm not eating them." How I understand. Joel wanted to bake too. It worked pretty well as long as we had one person as spotter and Noelle didn't try to shove Joel off. It left one hand for stirring, ha. So baking proceeded at a less-than-efficient process. With these sugar cookies, Noelle insisted on helping with the Piglet and Tree cookie cutter, placing it directly in the middle of the entire piece of rolled-out dough rather than on the edge, then taking up all the other dough as scrap. I got a little exasperated, but my mom kept laughing and saying, "It's the experience." I let her oversee the sprinkle dumping and eating because I just couldn't do it. While they worked on that, Joel reminded me of how yummy the sugar cookie dough is!

After the kids go to bed, I've been working on meal planning and grocery-listing for January and following--as far as I get. Trying to strike a nice balance each week among super-healthy/regular healthy; meat/veggie entrees; super-cheap/regular cheap (haha); new/tried; super-easy/regular easy. Ope! Now I have revealed my entire meal planning strategy to you--healthy, cheap, and mostly easy.

I hope to employ a similar strategy with planning a little something intentional to do with the kids each day--not necessarily a lesson, but something. Craft, song, particular story book. This is part of testing the homeschool waters, but also wanting to make sure I'm intentionally present with these precious wee ones at some point every day and not just running around being self-absorbed or constantly distracted. We'll see how this "pilot program" goes, or if I can even come up with any ideas.

Hope you are having fun, too!

Yay for My Husband

Mark is off on a research trip this week, so I'm holding down the fort and re-remembering how much I am glad that I DON'T have to hold it down most of the time. I can't believe it took me five years of marriage to really start to appreciate Mark on his own terms. Five years to not just selflessly care about him and what he has to offer rather than brood about what I think he should offer or the way he offers it. I guess I'm just glad that it didn't take longer--it would have been a long rest of my life.

I'm thankful for his persistent assistance, his desire to do what is right, his tirelessness, his integrity, his protection and husbanding of me against the world, his tender care with the kids, his service, his passionate eccentricity (I maintain all profs are either obsessed or insane or both--he's becoming nicely balanced in this :D ), and his doing of the dishes!

Our wedding anniversary is in August, but I just remembered that this week marks another (sort of silly) anniversary that I don't commemorate but just noted. I'm thankful I didn't dump him this week back in 2001 even though I completely meant to. Talk about how this decade would have been different for me....wow. So glad God has a plan.

So thanks, Mark. I know you don't read this blog, but I say: I'm glad you left a message on the answering machine for me eight years ago. You're a good guy and a fine husband. I appreciate and respect you. And I'm thankful for you.

Too little, too late

I was picking up the kids from the gym just now and there was a little old lady sittimg there. She watched me kneel om the carpet as I tried to get each one out of the wagon, get their coats on, keep each one from entirely sprinting away on feet or knees while I fussed with the other, get my own coat on...

"Please don't go now," she says. Is she talking to me? Or just to Joel, who is about to bolt again?

"You're lucky to have a girl," she told me. I nodded and she began to say something about her daughter-in-law. I think she might have said she wanted to put her in a nursing home, but she told her son she didn't want to go. I didn't really hear her, but I didn't ask.

"You want to come to me?" She asked Joel and held out her arms to him. I saw she wanted to hold him and lifted him up to her.

As she holds him, she says, "He is so beautiful," and starts ...tearing up? Is she crying, or are her eyes just watering? I don't know, but I feel bad as I take Joel back. Whoa! Noelle, come back here away from the automatic door!

"You're lucky to have one of each," she says. I nod and say, "Yes, they're pretty special." Well, we're ready to go now...

"I haven't held (or had?) a baby in eighteen years. They're all grown up...You going home now?" She takes out a tissue for her eyes.

"Yes," I say. "Well, we're here most days so hopefully we'll see you again." Okay, gathering the bags. "Well, you have a merry Christmas," I say with a smile.

"I hope so," she responds.

I head out the door feeling bad, wondering what else there is to say. I'm not five feet out the door before I hear in my head, Go back and talk to her. She is sad. I keep walking.

'Yes, yes. She is sad. That is sad. Maybe I will see her again and talk to her longer."

No, go now and let her hold the kids and ask her what's going on...
Oh! It's You, Lord, isn't it. Of course it is. But we're going out to the car. Still walking.

"That would be nice, huh. Too bad we're already outside walking in this direction."

What else do you have to do? Nothing. Go love on that lady. She is sad!

"Oh....oh...snap! Am I going to obey? Am I? Am I?" We just reached the car. It's only been a minute or two. "Aah! Yes! Just do it!" I look down at Noelle. "Sweetie, that lady is sad. Jesus wants us to go and talk to her and try to make her happy, okay? You want to do that with me?"

"Make her happy? Yeah!"

We turn around and go back in. "Okay, God. I'll just do it. Go in there and hand her Joel. I hope she's still there. It's only been a minute. Sorry, I should have done this faster. I knew it was You."

She was gone.

Obedience. Too little, too late.

Every day, I tell Noelle how I expect her to obey me the first time, every time. Now I have to explain to her why we're turning around again, because Mommy heard Jesus tell her to go be nice to the lady, but Mommy didn't obey fast enough. Mommy's head is full of scriptures right now about what she should have done, and why. And Mommy is sorry.

I really am.

Celebrating Christmas

Here are a few things we've been up to lately as we celebrate Christmas:

We made a couple shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child. Noelle really got into this and kept saying she wanted to go to the other country to give the kids her present.

We did a little cookie exchange at church...yum!

It snowed here on Saturday, so Mark and I went out and played for a little while! He helped Noelle make a big snow fort. Family time--yes.
I made these little ornaments out of cinnamon sticks, a couple of cloves, and some fabric! I was proud.

Lindsay had this idea first, but I made a little Christmas Countdown for the playroom window. We've enjoyed taking the numbers off each day and writing down in a little notebook what we've done to celebrate together.

We made these cookie lollipops together. Noelle ate this "factory seconds" one.

While visiting Mark's family in Akron, we went to their tree festival. Lots of creatively decorated trees!

I've also enjoyed hearing Mark tell Noelle the Christmas story and telling it to the kids myself. It really is an amazing story, and it's so good to be reminded. Praise God for His ultimate Gift!

I'm Thankful

I'm thankful for:

• God's grace to me, and His faithfulness. Why He's shown such favor to me I don't know. But I'm thankful for it.
• My kids. They exasperate me and challenge me to be less selfish. They mirror me and humble me. They hold me immediately accountable for my private, inner life. If they were any cuter, my head would pop.
• My husband. He's always wanting to be doing the right thing as well as it can be done. He's more and more often acting in love toward me at cost to himself, which is also very humbling. And he does the dishes. :)
• My church family. They continually encourage and challenge me with their examples and friendship and allow me to serve in ways that are meaningful to me. My Virginia experience would be 100% different without them.
• My extended family. I'm thankful that we can go make a tour of both of our families with joy instead of grumpiness. I'm thankful for our parents' generosity and care especially. I'm thankful they all try to encourage us in parenting rather than insinuate that they know precisely how we're messing up. Even if they do.
• Deepening relationships with siblings.
• My car that takes me away to a grocery store loaded with edible food that I can largely afford.
• My house that keeps me appropriately warm and dry at all times, gives me a place to host others, gives my kids a safe place to play, and does it all while looking nice and being comfortable. Wow.
• The internet. My sister lives in Hong Kong; Mark's sister lives in Russia--and I get to see them and speak to them both whenever I want. For free! Skype is amazing. And I love email.

I'm sure there is more, but it's getting late. I'm thankful also for sleep. What are you thankful for?

Isaiah 40:11

I just posted on diligence. In that context, I'll say that I've been skimming a book called A Mom Just Like You: The Homeschooling Mother by Vickie and Jayme Farris, which I picked up for free at a moms' group swap last month. Vickie Farris has 10 kids and has/is homeschooling them all. In chapter 7, "Mary V. Martha," she descrribes her struggle to find a consistent alone time with the Lord. Imagine that! I thought I'd just share a little excerpt because I found it encouraging and interesting:

After all, how can you tell a screaming baby to wait while you
finish your devotions? (And even if you could, how could you continue to pray and meditate on Scripture with all that commotion in the background?) One day, I was talking with my friend Linda, who is the mother of eleven children, about this problem. When I expressed my frustration...she nodded sympathetically...[and said,] "Think about that promise in Isaiah 40:11, 'He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young' (KJV)...It's just comforting to know that he 'gently leads' those of us who have little ones.'" (160)

To think of the Lord gently leading me ...and you, my friends with kids; makes me smile.

Thoughts on Diligence

I had my 3-month reassessment at the gym yesterday. 6 pounds, 2% body fat; and improvements all around. Biggest gains in pushups and crunches--went from "well below average" (12) to "average" (30) in push-ups, and from barely average (30 in 60 sec.) to "above average" (49) in crunches. Yay for newfound muscular endurance. But the biggest changes have been in my attitude--I'm now able to think of exercise as a healthy and occasionally fun activity rather than as a threat. I also have found it transferring to my non-exercise times. I'm more likely to "just do" something instead of sitting there feeling lazy. Score one for diligence.

Diligence is so important. It's tied for me to consistency in disciplining, training, and follow-through with the kids instead of just letting things slide and not making the most of many opportunities; appropriate and competent preparation for teaching Bible study instead of mediocre and half-hearted preparation; reasonable housekeeping given my lack of other employment; useful and thoughtful personal Bible study times; and fidelity in prayer and also in intercession for others. Without diligence, I find myself being a procrastinating guilt-ridden slacker masquerading as competent servant (of my family, of others, of the Lord). Don't want to be that. I know, I know, I shouldn't be too hard on myself...I do lots of things sorta competently. I'm not having a pity party here. I'm just talking about what it's really like in my heart...where it counts.

I had been moaning to myself lately about what seemed to me to be a lack of my own secret personal spiritual life with God--that during the kids' waking hours I struggled to find time to be alone with God...just to think straight and try to form a coherent prayer in my mind! But I got a Proverbs 31 Woman devotional in my inbox the other day that really challenged and encouraged me. The author basically said she had been having the same trouble until the Lord challenged her just to be with Him in the crowd and noise rather than worry about being alone too much right now. To learn how to pray or otherwise enjoy Jesus on a personal level in the company of the tots because...I'm always in their company! So I think that's good and worth pursuing, though I did manage to get up with the alarm early this morning before everyone else to catch a brief quiet time. It was nice.

Parable of the Soils

I enjoy growing plants, but I am not good at it. I hope over the next couple of years cultivate the skills to cultivate. But in the mean time, here's something interesting I noticed in my kitchen window.

Zinnias. They came as a pack of seeds in a tiny little pot from Target. Planted on the same day; transplanted on the same day; living in the same window and on the same watering schedule:

Yes, yes, yes. Zinnias. And a weird poky India plant. And two African violets. And an English ivy. And a little scarecrow. So I'm not a gardener. But don't get distracted. Zinnias.

Pot #1: average zinnia height--15"+

Pot #2: average zinnia height: 5"

As far as I can tell, the only difference here is....their soil and what else they're planted with.


[insert parable here]

It's Gonna Take Tiiiime!

It's gonna take time
A whole lot of precious time
It's gonna take patience and time, ummm
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it
To do it right child


I'm thinking about time. How we only have so many hours in a day, so many days in a lifetime. What circumstances and routines are part of my life only for a season, and which are more permanent? And what should I do about which ones accordingly?

For instance. Home decor and cleanliness. I feel like it's lacking. But is this just the season (the age of small children) for general disorder and dirtiness, or am I just a lazy, dirty person? Do I need to "work on" it, or just entirely put it out of my mind and be thankful that I can't feel the crumbs on my feet if I wear shoes in the house?

Or here's another--devotional times. Many times Bible study happens for me only if it's in preparation for a specific event. Is this just because during my waking hours there really is a very small, hard-to-see window of opportunity for study; or am I just a slacker who needs to increase her waking hours and her diligence? Does my desire just to sit and do something mindless after the kids go to bed instead of satiating myself with slow digestion of the sweet morsels of the bread of the Word (or something spiritual sounding) mean that I'm not really a lover of the Lord...or just that I'm a tired mom?

See, I found exercise to be something that I "couldn't" easily accommodate before, but now I have pretty much made the change in my life because I finally sucked it up in commitment and looked to God for it. Is it the same with everything? Or do we have permission to not be entirely awesome in every way?

Mom's Bible study group is studying Proverbs 31 these days. "An excellent wife, who can find?" Yeah, that's what I want to know. My response to it so far is torn--on the one hand I want to grow to be as excellent a woman as possible, to embody this lady very well. On the other hand, I feel even to do or be what I'm already doing or being is a constant challenge on its own. I don't want to say, "Oh, you're good enough..." but sometimes I just want to call it good enough. Thinking about it makes me tired.

Thoughts?

Bedtime exasperation: "I can't see!"

"Mom! I have to tell you something. I have to tell you something. I have to tell you something! I have to tell you something!! MOM, I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!" Noelle's voice jams itself into my ears; her stubborn persistence wears me down as the anger wells up.

We had gone through the bedtime routine here at our visit to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Put on the footed Cinderella jammies. Brush (sorta) her teeth. Read a book. Read another book. Read the first book again. Okay--kisses for Grandma. Now upstairs to bed! So far, so okay. It feels like it's been a long day, but I think it's because Mark's not with us.

"Tell a story." I told two stories. We prayed. I told her I loved her. I put the blanket over the top of the pack & play to make her travel "fort." I said, "Night, night." And before I could even get out of the room--"No! WAIT! Mom! Tell the story Dora and Boots go to [Curious] George's house!" I took myself downstairs in spite of her plea. Really child, I love you but I want to be finished with you for today. Before I get very far she switched to needing to tell me something. Even downstairs I could hear her; down the curving wooden staircase, down the hall, past the glass-plate door; through the layers of 19th-century plaster. At this point, the fact that it's "somefing" and not "something" is not cute, but rather offensive. And I know that there's nothing to tell me. We've been through this before. She is masterful.

I mentioned earlier that I'm working to be kinder, gentler, less angry. I'm also working through my mother-in-law's admonition to "be firm, be consistent, be..." I don't remember the third one. Loving, I think. How do I do this? Especially when what I want to do is fly up the stairs, stomping, throw open the door and shriek. I permit myself a bit of stomping up the stairs (what I'm trying to accomplish besides dramatic effect here I don't know), open the door, and ...(deep breath--no shrieking, Katie) "What, Noelle? What do you want to tell me?"

Silence.

"Tell a story."

This exchange ultimately ended with her being re-tucked in. As I left the room again, she began with something new. "No! Mom! I can't see! I can't see in here! I can't see!" Oh no! Had she spontaneously suffered a detached retina or other blinding illness or injury? Perhaps I should stop and check? Wait. No, crazy woman. She's a masterful manipulator.

"Noelle, it's bedtime. You're not supposed to see." There is a light on in the adjoining room, and the door is partially opened. It is not pitch-dark in there. "I can't see! I can't see!"

I had to leave. She eventually went to sleep.

I often wonder to what extent my interactions with my kids mirror my interactions with the Lord. Having striven with me (sometimes happily, sometimes not) all day, the Lord puts me in the place where He wants me to rest. I babble, I resist, I shriek, I ask to be told another story instead of being satisfied with the three He already told me for the occasion. I want to feel close to Him even if I'm not really doing what He wants. I fret, I moan...and even though maybe He comes and gives me a hug and tells me one more story just to reassure me, I begin to wail--"I can't see!" I want Him to not leave me in the dark, even though He knows that what I need is to be resting in the dark, and anyway the light is on in the next room. And largely, God is gentle--doesn't bellow, doesn't stomp up the stairs; doesn't have the same petty reaction to me that I sometimes have to my daughter.

I'm thankful that God's patience with me is so long; His love for me so strong; His choices concerning what I need and when never wrong. Would that my parenting and my life be more like His.

Challenges

Okay. I've been informed I need to get back with the program here. Sorry; I was trying to write exclusively about my work with the moderation book--which has stalled out. However! Do not believe that my work has stalled out--oh, no. I'm actually feeling quite a lot of s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g that all started back with Ms. Brestin. So I will tell you about that, I guess.

• Eating in moderation--permanently living out the ideas I've read so far. I'm doing reasonably well with this; much better than before I started. And someday...slowly, slowly, slowly...making through the book.
• Exercise--check! I was more than a little excited to go buy new (smaller) pants the other day because the others were falling off my body. Now I just need to figure out how to get them to be comfy when I sit down. This will probably require closer attention to the bullet point above.
• Becoming "completely...gentle." (Eph. 4:2) A friend of mine told me about how someone at her day care job got sacked for being too rough with the kids--grabbing at them, yelling, etc. I realized that if I would be fired from a day care for the way I treated my own kids, I needed to get a grip on my impatience and anger issues. Now.
• Proverbs 31 transformation stuff--I didn't choose this but it got chosen for me by my dear leaders at the mom's study. They are encouraging us to actively dig in and seek transformation; memorizing the appropriate scriptures and then living them out. So I'm working on Prov. 31:15 and 27: "She rises also while it is still night And gives food to her household And portions to her maidens," and "She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness." I haven't risen any earlier than usual (though, I may point out, it's still dark when I do wake up) so a big "wah-wah-wah" there. But I think God's given me the beginnings of a transformation in the second one. I feel like I haven't sat down and been idle in a week. Lots of housework getting done around here. That's good; but I'm also starting to pray now for wisdom about appropriate and necessary rest. I find that when a certain time/day is really full, it's that much harder for me to make any productive use at all of downtime. So I'll spend an hour perusing ...nothing...on the internet rather than resting in a more actually restful way.
• Co-leading a small group; wanting to do more than just the minimum, wanting to really invest in the ladies, wanting to really see them grow and take off--but having little confidence in anything except my ability to do a lesson. I feel like I need a shepherding spirit that I don't have. It's easy to compare myself to what I *think* others are like. I feel inadequate and insecure, but I know God loves these ladies way more than I do and wants to see them benefit and grow more than I do also.
• Being a better wife who doesn't critique or nag; who trusts and submits cheerfully to Mark's leadership; needing to pray for him as he leads.
• Being a godly mom to these precious little ones who sometimes make me crazy, sometimes livid. E.g. There was poop on my kitchen floor today.
• Walking worthy of the calling I've received (Eph. 4:1). Perhaps this will be my next post; but essentially I'm trying to respond to these and all other challenges in a way that is worthy of the Lord's investment in me and love for me.

"Don't Fall Off the Wagon, Bruce!"

Having leapt off the train of food idolatry (or whatever) I was riding on some runaway wagon of growing in godliness. Then it hit a bump, threw me off, and ran me over. It wasn't that I got off; I got thrown. So the discipline to read the lady's book and follow up with the scripture prayers went on down the road while I lay there in the dust, a little dizzy. Alas. There were some good changes in my heart that became evident at that time, however. I had largely corrected the thinking that said food will solve my problems or make me feel better. So when I was discouraged, frustrated, or emotional (which was a lot), I generally didn't try to resolve it with my mouth. Yay. Sometimes I even went around muttering, "If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right; sin is crouching at your door. It desires to have you, but you must master it" (God to Cain, Gen. 4:7). That was helpful. I have still been working out with great gusto, and yes....it's possible that I kinda like it.

But discipline is good, and there's still much heart change waiting to happen. So I hitched a ride to the next wagon depot and got back on. I saw dear AP's most recent blog and thought I'd better sign back on, especially for accountability's sake. {I would like to hear about your suggested workouts, by the way.}

So that's where I've been. And now Noelle from the other room is crying and saying, "Mommy, I want more coffee. Oh, I spilled the coffee. Oh, I slipped on the water with the coffee cup...." and now she's here, most definitely wet....oh...and she's now dumping the leftover travel mug coffee on the carpet next to the computer...and saying "Let's get some more coffee, Mommy."

Oh my.

UBO (Unidentified Blogging Object)

Not much new here; except now I'm working out regularly at the Wellness Center. What?! Who is this writing? I don't know; but she's all sweaty.

Why Day Fourteen Is Actually Only Day Eight

Ms. Brestin tells me that on "Day Four" I'm supposed to fast for 24 hours.

So I was on "Day Three" for quite a while. The better part of a week, really.

Mark tells me that I tend to think in "extremes"--things have to be done right now or never. I'm either (in my mind) a great mom or a terrible mom. Totally right and justified in all my ways; or entirely to blame for all the world's problems. This comes out in my behavior, too. I can be super sweet and patient in the face of tantrums or I can about rip off someone's whining face. (It's true.) I can be an understanding, forebearing, gentle, pleasant, supportive, and encouraging wife or an angry, selfish, snappy, grumpy, unreasonable one. Thinking in extremes sometimes works to my advantage: it motivates me to serve God more whole-heartedly, for instance. But generally speaking, having more moderation in my brain would probably be a good thing.

I have a little familiarity with fasting; I had a friend in high school who would fast two and three days at a time, several times a month. Surely I've read in books about fasting being a good spiritual discipline. Growing up Catholic, I know about meatless Fridays and fasting from chocolate, tv, facebook, etc. "for Lent." And my own pre-Jesus story involves a two-week "fast" in which I lost 38 pounds. So knowing my
(1) general lack of solid understanding about the true meaning and appropriate expression of fasting;
(2) personal baggage associated with weight loss; and
(3) my tendency to be an extremist
I was very nervous about this challenge. First I excused myself by going online to find a website to tell me I couldn't do it while breastfeeding. Got it. Then I further excused myself due to personal history, saying I wouldn't want to have incorrect motives; then I excused myself because of my fear of doing it.

One morning last week I finally got around to reading the rest of the study for Day Four, since I figured I should at least skim it before skipping it and heading on to Day Five. And this is what I read:

"[John Piper says] 'The purpose of a true fast is to express to God that He is the supreme hunger of our heart--that we are starving for Him'....[Brestin writes] It is crucial that you not only 'stop' eating but 'start' feeding on the Lord...Our problem is that we are often hungrier for other things than we are for God" (21).

And I realized that this challenge was for me as much a mental and spiritual battle as anything else. Duh. So having eaten breakfast, I decided rather impulsively to fast until dinner. Half a day. Wanting to show God and myself that I am hungry for Him, and hungrier indeed for Him than for lunch.

Miss one meal. Not a big deal. Really. What was funny is that making this decision immediately threw me into almost a panic. I started to feel weak. My muscles started aching. I felt shaky, desperate for food--even though it had only been a couple hours at most since breakfast.

As I struggled with my 10 a.m. deterioration, I began to see just how much power over me that the promise or crutch of eating had. And I was sad. I prayed while on a little walk that God would take my tiny step and meet me the rest of the way. And that I wouldn't die.

At lunch time, Mark and I had this conversation:
M, at the table: "Are you hungry?"
Me, on the couch: "Yes, I'm starving."
M: "You can eat."
Me, in a moment of profundity: "Yes, the question is can I not eat?"

The hardest part was that first two hours.

During the afternoon, I dutifully read the suggested "Psalm meal" (thinking 'whatever, crazy author lady!') for the day, Psalm 119:25-32. It was the first time I had ever read a Psalm and been able to say, "That is how I feel!" even though it would be very melodramatic of me to claim all of it. But there were some especially key parts:

• "I have told of my ways, and You have answered me; Teach me Your statues" (26).
• "Remove the false way from me, and graciously grant me your law" (29).
• "I shall run the way of Your commandments, For You will enlarge my heart" (32).

And at dinner time, I hadn't perished. So that is my testimony about silly Katie's 1/2 day fast. God did meet me with the strength to finish that offering to Him, and it really did free up more space in my heart for prayer, for His power, and for learning to turn to Him. He is enlarging my heart, and I'm both excited and terrified. Please pray with me that I would be faithful to grow at the rate He pleases.

Heart Surgery

I've been thinking about my endeavor to become a person of moderation. It's hard. It requires a change of heart as well as a change of habit. The Holy Spirit has to change my heart in this area, and I have to cooperate. Why I'm surprised that having heart surgery without anesthetic hurts, I don't know.

Today in the Brestin book she brought to my attention several proverbs about having "too much" of a thing:

• Prov. 23:20--too much wine or meat or drowsiness leads to poverty and rags;
• Prov. 25:16--eating too much honey makes you vomit;
• Prov. 25:27--it's not good to eat too much honey or to look for your own glory;
• Prov. 30:8-9--to have too much food and be full always encourages me to deny the Lord!

That last one stuck me particularly today, so I'll share it in full:

"Keep deception and lies far from me, / Give me neither poverty nor riches; / Feed me with the food that is my portion, / That I not be full and deny You and say, 'Who is the LORD?' / Or
that I not be in want and steal, / And profane the name of my God." (Proverbs 30:8-9)

Practically speaking, this happens in me: I run to the food because I simply don't want to bother to run to the Lord. It's easier to eat. I haven't often practiced running to Him and waiting there until I find satisfaction. I throw myself at His feet like my toddler throws herself down in a tantrum, yelling "I not happy!" And if I don't immediately feel the "waves of the Spirit crashing down on me" (or something) instantly, I get up and go find a graham cracker. Just like my toddler.

And so, though I am embarrassed to admit it, what I'm really saying with my eating habits is "Who is the LORD?" This seems to me to be a manifestation of me being one of those "holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power" (2 Tim. 3:5). Scalpel. Ouch.

Father! I am so sorry to have harbored this unbelief and pride. I would not ever on a test check the box that said "God has no power really," but I've checked it hundreds of times on a test that matters more--my daily life! Please forgive me. Please change my heart. Help my unbelief; Lord, I believe! I know You have great and surpassing power, and Your power and authority extends to me. Teach me the perseverence and diligence in prayer especially to sit at Your feet and wait. Thanks for loving me and bringing me to this place. Thanks for doing surgery on my heart; help me endure it and come out a 'new and improved' version of the new creation You've already made me in Jesus.

"A Woman of Moderation"

I have been convicted regarding my lack of discipline in how I approach eating and food. Really, it's a hobby, a recreational activity, and...what I often turn to when I need help.
What? Isn't the Lord the one who is "our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble" (Psalm 46:1)?
Ummm...yeah. Him and chocolate.
And salty things. And other sweet things. And things that are crunchy or chewy. And pretty much anything that can be swallowed. They are, in their way, my refuge and strength.

Problem. I've known for quite a while that I've got some misplaced worship, but food is so easy to rationalize! It's not really mind-altering; it's not really addictive; it's not overtly sinful; I have little kids...and so I let it go.

Well, pray for me, friends, because I'm getting off this train. I have to because I know God doesn't want us to compromise in our love for Him. And I can guarantee that I will not succeed in reversing a lifetime of misplaced love without prayer, a strength of commitment I don't have on my own, and a lot of hard work that I don't really have the courage for. So basically, God is going to have to do this in me.

My friend Tara brought to my attention a book by Dee Brestin called "A Woman of Moderation: Breaking the Chains of Poor Eating Habits." I'm starting to work through it now, and I'm hoping it will give me some insight into myself and into the way the Lord wants me to be. One thing that I'm particularly interested in practicing is praying through the Psalms and turning what she calls "soul hunger" into worship and prayer rather than into Mint Chocolate Chip. I'm hoping to use the blog here to give you updates on this process.

So teach us to number our days...

So teach us to number our days

that we may present to You a heart of wisdom.
--Psalm 90:12

This verse leapt out at me when I last ran across it. It's so easy to have a day just pass by--slipping through my fingers with no perceivable substance. I'm not talking about the "mommy days" consumed with wiping noses, playing kitchen, cooking, cleaning, disciplining, or running to the store. These things have value themselves as service and the work of the day. I'm talking about the attitude I sometimes take on where I don't even pay attention to those sorts of things. The day just...passes. I don't love much; I don't serve much; I don't pray much; I don't learn much! The minutes tick by without me being fully present. Psalm 84:10 says "For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand outside." By the same thinking, it's better for me to have a little time in which I'm fully engaged than a lot of time lost to mindlessness. And since the Lord gives me my time as a gift, shouldn't I appreciate it more fully?

I am remembering a Chris Rice lyric from several years ago:

"Teach us to count the days / teach us to make the days count / lead us in better ways / that somehow our souls forgot / life means so much"

Lord, You are the source of wisdom and the numberer of my days. Would You please teach me to number mine, to really pay attention to each of them, so that I may present to You a heart of wisdom? I confess my squandering of time, opportunities, and resources in aimless mental wandering. Lord, I don't want to go through this life a fool, or as a person wise in my own eyes. Only You can change me; only You can help. Thank You for my days; and for Your loving instruction of me.