It's Gonna Take Tiiiime!

It's gonna take time
A whole lot of precious time
It's gonna take patience and time, ummm
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it
To do it right child


I'm thinking about time. How we only have so many hours in a day, so many days in a lifetime. What circumstances and routines are part of my life only for a season, and which are more permanent? And what should I do about which ones accordingly?

For instance. Home decor and cleanliness. I feel like it's lacking. But is this just the season (the age of small children) for general disorder and dirtiness, or am I just a lazy, dirty person? Do I need to "work on" it, or just entirely put it out of my mind and be thankful that I can't feel the crumbs on my feet if I wear shoes in the house?

Or here's another--devotional times. Many times Bible study happens for me only if it's in preparation for a specific event. Is this just because during my waking hours there really is a very small, hard-to-see window of opportunity for study; or am I just a slacker who needs to increase her waking hours and her diligence? Does my desire just to sit and do something mindless after the kids go to bed instead of satiating myself with slow digestion of the sweet morsels of the bread of the Word (or something spiritual sounding) mean that I'm not really a lover of the Lord...or just that I'm a tired mom?

See, I found exercise to be something that I "couldn't" easily accommodate before, but now I have pretty much made the change in my life because I finally sucked it up in commitment and looked to God for it. Is it the same with everything? Or do we have permission to not be entirely awesome in every way?

Mom's Bible study group is studying Proverbs 31 these days. "An excellent wife, who can find?" Yeah, that's what I want to know. My response to it so far is torn--on the one hand I want to grow to be as excellent a woman as possible, to embody this lady very well. On the other hand, I feel even to do or be what I'm already doing or being is a constant challenge on its own. I don't want to say, "Oh, you're good enough..." but sometimes I just want to call it good enough. Thinking about it makes me tired.

Thoughts?

Bedtime exasperation: "I can't see!"

"Mom! I have to tell you something. I have to tell you something. I have to tell you something! I have to tell you something!! MOM, I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!" Noelle's voice jams itself into my ears; her stubborn persistence wears me down as the anger wells up.

We had gone through the bedtime routine here at our visit to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Put on the footed Cinderella jammies. Brush (sorta) her teeth. Read a book. Read another book. Read the first book again. Okay--kisses for Grandma. Now upstairs to bed! So far, so okay. It feels like it's been a long day, but I think it's because Mark's not with us.

"Tell a story." I told two stories. We prayed. I told her I loved her. I put the blanket over the top of the pack & play to make her travel "fort." I said, "Night, night." And before I could even get out of the room--"No! WAIT! Mom! Tell the story Dora and Boots go to [Curious] George's house!" I took myself downstairs in spite of her plea. Really child, I love you but I want to be finished with you for today. Before I get very far she switched to needing to tell me something. Even downstairs I could hear her; down the curving wooden staircase, down the hall, past the glass-plate door; through the layers of 19th-century plaster. At this point, the fact that it's "somefing" and not "something" is not cute, but rather offensive. And I know that there's nothing to tell me. We've been through this before. She is masterful.

I mentioned earlier that I'm working to be kinder, gentler, less angry. I'm also working through my mother-in-law's admonition to "be firm, be consistent, be..." I don't remember the third one. Loving, I think. How do I do this? Especially when what I want to do is fly up the stairs, stomping, throw open the door and shriek. I permit myself a bit of stomping up the stairs (what I'm trying to accomplish besides dramatic effect here I don't know), open the door, and ...(deep breath--no shrieking, Katie) "What, Noelle? What do you want to tell me?"

Silence.

"Tell a story."

This exchange ultimately ended with her being re-tucked in. As I left the room again, she began with something new. "No! Mom! I can't see! I can't see in here! I can't see!" Oh no! Had she spontaneously suffered a detached retina or other blinding illness or injury? Perhaps I should stop and check? Wait. No, crazy woman. She's a masterful manipulator.

"Noelle, it's bedtime. You're not supposed to see." There is a light on in the adjoining room, and the door is partially opened. It is not pitch-dark in there. "I can't see! I can't see!"

I had to leave. She eventually went to sleep.

I often wonder to what extent my interactions with my kids mirror my interactions with the Lord. Having striven with me (sometimes happily, sometimes not) all day, the Lord puts me in the place where He wants me to rest. I babble, I resist, I shriek, I ask to be told another story instead of being satisfied with the three He already told me for the occasion. I want to feel close to Him even if I'm not really doing what He wants. I fret, I moan...and even though maybe He comes and gives me a hug and tells me one more story just to reassure me, I begin to wail--"I can't see!" I want Him to not leave me in the dark, even though He knows that what I need is to be resting in the dark, and anyway the light is on in the next room. And largely, God is gentle--doesn't bellow, doesn't stomp up the stairs; doesn't have the same petty reaction to me that I sometimes have to my daughter.

I'm thankful that God's patience with me is so long; His love for me so strong; His choices concerning what I need and when never wrong. Would that my parenting and my life be more like His.

Challenges

Okay. I've been informed I need to get back with the program here. Sorry; I was trying to write exclusively about my work with the moderation book--which has stalled out. However! Do not believe that my work has stalled out--oh, no. I'm actually feeling quite a lot of s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g that all started back with Ms. Brestin. So I will tell you about that, I guess.

• Eating in moderation--permanently living out the ideas I've read so far. I'm doing reasonably well with this; much better than before I started. And someday...slowly, slowly, slowly...making through the book.
• Exercise--check! I was more than a little excited to go buy new (smaller) pants the other day because the others were falling off my body. Now I just need to figure out how to get them to be comfy when I sit down. This will probably require closer attention to the bullet point above.
• Becoming "completely...gentle." (Eph. 4:2) A friend of mine told me about how someone at her day care job got sacked for being too rough with the kids--grabbing at them, yelling, etc. I realized that if I would be fired from a day care for the way I treated my own kids, I needed to get a grip on my impatience and anger issues. Now.
• Proverbs 31 transformation stuff--I didn't choose this but it got chosen for me by my dear leaders at the mom's study. They are encouraging us to actively dig in and seek transformation; memorizing the appropriate scriptures and then living them out. So I'm working on Prov. 31:15 and 27: "She rises also while it is still night And gives food to her household And portions to her maidens," and "She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness." I haven't risen any earlier than usual (though, I may point out, it's still dark when I do wake up) so a big "wah-wah-wah" there. But I think God's given me the beginnings of a transformation in the second one. I feel like I haven't sat down and been idle in a week. Lots of housework getting done around here. That's good; but I'm also starting to pray now for wisdom about appropriate and necessary rest. I find that when a certain time/day is really full, it's that much harder for me to make any productive use at all of downtime. So I'll spend an hour perusing ...nothing...on the internet rather than resting in a more actually restful way.
• Co-leading a small group; wanting to do more than just the minimum, wanting to really invest in the ladies, wanting to really see them grow and take off--but having little confidence in anything except my ability to do a lesson. I feel like I need a shepherding spirit that I don't have. It's easy to compare myself to what I *think* others are like. I feel inadequate and insecure, but I know God loves these ladies way more than I do and wants to see them benefit and grow more than I do also.
• Being a better wife who doesn't critique or nag; who trusts and submits cheerfully to Mark's leadership; needing to pray for him as he leads.
• Being a godly mom to these precious little ones who sometimes make me crazy, sometimes livid. E.g. There was poop on my kitchen floor today.
• Walking worthy of the calling I've received (Eph. 4:1). Perhaps this will be my next post; but essentially I'm trying to respond to these and all other challenges in a way that is worthy of the Lord's investment in me and love for me.