I'm Thankful

I'm thankful for:

• God's grace to me, and His faithfulness. Why He's shown such favor to me I don't know. But I'm thankful for it.
• My kids. They exasperate me and challenge me to be less selfish. They mirror me and humble me. They hold me immediately accountable for my private, inner life. If they were any cuter, my head would pop.
• My husband. He's always wanting to be doing the right thing as well as it can be done. He's more and more often acting in love toward me at cost to himself, which is also very humbling. And he does the dishes. :)
• My church family. They continually encourage and challenge me with their examples and friendship and allow me to serve in ways that are meaningful to me. My Virginia experience would be 100% different without them.
• My extended family. I'm thankful that we can go make a tour of both of our families with joy instead of grumpiness. I'm thankful for our parents' generosity and care especially. I'm thankful they all try to encourage us in parenting rather than insinuate that they know precisely how we're messing up. Even if they do.
• Deepening relationships with siblings.
• My car that takes me away to a grocery store loaded with edible food that I can largely afford.
• My house that keeps me appropriately warm and dry at all times, gives me a place to host others, gives my kids a safe place to play, and does it all while looking nice and being comfortable. Wow.
• The internet. My sister lives in Hong Kong; Mark's sister lives in Russia--and I get to see them and speak to them both whenever I want. For free! Skype is amazing. And I love email.

I'm sure there is more, but it's getting late. I'm thankful also for sleep. What are you thankful for?

Isaiah 40:11

I just posted on diligence. In that context, I'll say that I've been skimming a book called A Mom Just Like You: The Homeschooling Mother by Vickie and Jayme Farris, which I picked up for free at a moms' group swap last month. Vickie Farris has 10 kids and has/is homeschooling them all. In chapter 7, "Mary V. Martha," she descrribes her struggle to find a consistent alone time with the Lord. Imagine that! I thought I'd just share a little excerpt because I found it encouraging and interesting:

After all, how can you tell a screaming baby to wait while you
finish your devotions? (And even if you could, how could you continue to pray and meditate on Scripture with all that commotion in the background?) One day, I was talking with my friend Linda, who is the mother of eleven children, about this problem. When I expressed my frustration...she nodded sympathetically...[and said,] "Think about that promise in Isaiah 40:11, 'He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young' (KJV)...It's just comforting to know that he 'gently leads' those of us who have little ones.'" (160)

To think of the Lord gently leading me ...and you, my friends with kids; makes me smile.

Thoughts on Diligence

I had my 3-month reassessment at the gym yesterday. 6 pounds, 2% body fat; and improvements all around. Biggest gains in pushups and crunches--went from "well below average" (12) to "average" (30) in push-ups, and from barely average (30 in 60 sec.) to "above average" (49) in crunches. Yay for newfound muscular endurance. But the biggest changes have been in my attitude--I'm now able to think of exercise as a healthy and occasionally fun activity rather than as a threat. I also have found it transferring to my non-exercise times. I'm more likely to "just do" something instead of sitting there feeling lazy. Score one for diligence.

Diligence is so important. It's tied for me to consistency in disciplining, training, and follow-through with the kids instead of just letting things slide and not making the most of many opportunities; appropriate and competent preparation for teaching Bible study instead of mediocre and half-hearted preparation; reasonable housekeeping given my lack of other employment; useful and thoughtful personal Bible study times; and fidelity in prayer and also in intercession for others. Without diligence, I find myself being a procrastinating guilt-ridden slacker masquerading as competent servant (of my family, of others, of the Lord). Don't want to be that. I know, I know, I shouldn't be too hard on myself...I do lots of things sorta competently. I'm not having a pity party here. I'm just talking about what it's really like in my heart...where it counts.

I had been moaning to myself lately about what seemed to me to be a lack of my own secret personal spiritual life with God--that during the kids' waking hours I struggled to find time to be alone with God...just to think straight and try to form a coherent prayer in my mind! But I got a Proverbs 31 Woman devotional in my inbox the other day that really challenged and encouraged me. The author basically said she had been having the same trouble until the Lord challenged her just to be with Him in the crowd and noise rather than worry about being alone too much right now. To learn how to pray or otherwise enjoy Jesus on a personal level in the company of the tots because...I'm always in their company! So I think that's good and worth pursuing, though I did manage to get up with the alarm early this morning before everyone else to catch a brief quiet time. It was nice.

Parable of the Soils

I enjoy growing plants, but I am not good at it. I hope over the next couple of years cultivate the skills to cultivate. But in the mean time, here's something interesting I noticed in my kitchen window.

Zinnias. They came as a pack of seeds in a tiny little pot from Target. Planted on the same day; transplanted on the same day; living in the same window and on the same watering schedule:

Yes, yes, yes. Zinnias. And a weird poky India plant. And two African violets. And an English ivy. And a little scarecrow. So I'm not a gardener. But don't get distracted. Zinnias.

Pot #1: average zinnia height--15"+

Pot #2: average zinnia height: 5"

As far as I can tell, the only difference here is....their soil and what else they're planted with.


[insert parable here]

It's Gonna Take Tiiiime!

It's gonna take time
A whole lot of precious time
It's gonna take patience and time, ummm
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it
To do it right child


I'm thinking about time. How we only have so many hours in a day, so many days in a lifetime. What circumstances and routines are part of my life only for a season, and which are more permanent? And what should I do about which ones accordingly?

For instance. Home decor and cleanliness. I feel like it's lacking. But is this just the season (the age of small children) for general disorder and dirtiness, or am I just a lazy, dirty person? Do I need to "work on" it, or just entirely put it out of my mind and be thankful that I can't feel the crumbs on my feet if I wear shoes in the house?

Or here's another--devotional times. Many times Bible study happens for me only if it's in preparation for a specific event. Is this just because during my waking hours there really is a very small, hard-to-see window of opportunity for study; or am I just a slacker who needs to increase her waking hours and her diligence? Does my desire just to sit and do something mindless after the kids go to bed instead of satiating myself with slow digestion of the sweet morsels of the bread of the Word (or something spiritual sounding) mean that I'm not really a lover of the Lord...or just that I'm a tired mom?

See, I found exercise to be something that I "couldn't" easily accommodate before, but now I have pretty much made the change in my life because I finally sucked it up in commitment and looked to God for it. Is it the same with everything? Or do we have permission to not be entirely awesome in every way?

Mom's Bible study group is studying Proverbs 31 these days. "An excellent wife, who can find?" Yeah, that's what I want to know. My response to it so far is torn--on the one hand I want to grow to be as excellent a woman as possible, to embody this lady very well. On the other hand, I feel even to do or be what I'm already doing or being is a constant challenge on its own. I don't want to say, "Oh, you're good enough..." but sometimes I just want to call it good enough. Thinking about it makes me tired.

Thoughts?

Bedtime exasperation: "I can't see!"

"Mom! I have to tell you something. I have to tell you something. I have to tell you something! I have to tell you something!! MOM, I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!" Noelle's voice jams itself into my ears; her stubborn persistence wears me down as the anger wells up.

We had gone through the bedtime routine here at our visit to Grandma and Grandpa's house. Put on the footed Cinderella jammies. Brush (sorta) her teeth. Read a book. Read another book. Read the first book again. Okay--kisses for Grandma. Now upstairs to bed! So far, so okay. It feels like it's been a long day, but I think it's because Mark's not with us.

"Tell a story." I told two stories. We prayed. I told her I loved her. I put the blanket over the top of the pack & play to make her travel "fort." I said, "Night, night." And before I could even get out of the room--"No! WAIT! Mom! Tell the story Dora and Boots go to [Curious] George's house!" I took myself downstairs in spite of her plea. Really child, I love you but I want to be finished with you for today. Before I get very far she switched to needing to tell me something. Even downstairs I could hear her; down the curving wooden staircase, down the hall, past the glass-plate door; through the layers of 19th-century plaster. At this point, the fact that it's "somefing" and not "something" is not cute, but rather offensive. And I know that there's nothing to tell me. We've been through this before. She is masterful.

I mentioned earlier that I'm working to be kinder, gentler, less angry. I'm also working through my mother-in-law's admonition to "be firm, be consistent, be..." I don't remember the third one. Loving, I think. How do I do this? Especially when what I want to do is fly up the stairs, stomping, throw open the door and shriek. I permit myself a bit of stomping up the stairs (what I'm trying to accomplish besides dramatic effect here I don't know), open the door, and ...(deep breath--no shrieking, Katie) "What, Noelle? What do you want to tell me?"

Silence.

"Tell a story."

This exchange ultimately ended with her being re-tucked in. As I left the room again, she began with something new. "No! Mom! I can't see! I can't see in here! I can't see!" Oh no! Had she spontaneously suffered a detached retina or other blinding illness or injury? Perhaps I should stop and check? Wait. No, crazy woman. She's a masterful manipulator.

"Noelle, it's bedtime. You're not supposed to see." There is a light on in the adjoining room, and the door is partially opened. It is not pitch-dark in there. "I can't see! I can't see!"

I had to leave. She eventually went to sleep.

I often wonder to what extent my interactions with my kids mirror my interactions with the Lord. Having striven with me (sometimes happily, sometimes not) all day, the Lord puts me in the place where He wants me to rest. I babble, I resist, I shriek, I ask to be told another story instead of being satisfied with the three He already told me for the occasion. I want to feel close to Him even if I'm not really doing what He wants. I fret, I moan...and even though maybe He comes and gives me a hug and tells me one more story just to reassure me, I begin to wail--"I can't see!" I want Him to not leave me in the dark, even though He knows that what I need is to be resting in the dark, and anyway the light is on in the next room. And largely, God is gentle--doesn't bellow, doesn't stomp up the stairs; doesn't have the same petty reaction to me that I sometimes have to my daughter.

I'm thankful that God's patience with me is so long; His love for me so strong; His choices concerning what I need and when never wrong. Would that my parenting and my life be more like His.

Challenges

Okay. I've been informed I need to get back with the program here. Sorry; I was trying to write exclusively about my work with the moderation book--which has stalled out. However! Do not believe that my work has stalled out--oh, no. I'm actually feeling quite a lot of s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g that all started back with Ms. Brestin. So I will tell you about that, I guess.

• Eating in moderation--permanently living out the ideas I've read so far. I'm doing reasonably well with this; much better than before I started. And someday...slowly, slowly, slowly...making through the book.
• Exercise--check! I was more than a little excited to go buy new (smaller) pants the other day because the others were falling off my body. Now I just need to figure out how to get them to be comfy when I sit down. This will probably require closer attention to the bullet point above.
• Becoming "completely...gentle." (Eph. 4:2) A friend of mine told me about how someone at her day care job got sacked for being too rough with the kids--grabbing at them, yelling, etc. I realized that if I would be fired from a day care for the way I treated my own kids, I needed to get a grip on my impatience and anger issues. Now.
• Proverbs 31 transformation stuff--I didn't choose this but it got chosen for me by my dear leaders at the mom's study. They are encouraging us to actively dig in and seek transformation; memorizing the appropriate scriptures and then living them out. So I'm working on Prov. 31:15 and 27: "She rises also while it is still night And gives food to her household And portions to her maidens," and "She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness." I haven't risen any earlier than usual (though, I may point out, it's still dark when I do wake up) so a big "wah-wah-wah" there. But I think God's given me the beginnings of a transformation in the second one. I feel like I haven't sat down and been idle in a week. Lots of housework getting done around here. That's good; but I'm also starting to pray now for wisdom about appropriate and necessary rest. I find that when a certain time/day is really full, it's that much harder for me to make any productive use at all of downtime. So I'll spend an hour perusing ...nothing...on the internet rather than resting in a more actually restful way.
• Co-leading a small group; wanting to do more than just the minimum, wanting to really invest in the ladies, wanting to really see them grow and take off--but having little confidence in anything except my ability to do a lesson. I feel like I need a shepherding spirit that I don't have. It's easy to compare myself to what I *think* others are like. I feel inadequate and insecure, but I know God loves these ladies way more than I do and wants to see them benefit and grow more than I do also.
• Being a better wife who doesn't critique or nag; who trusts and submits cheerfully to Mark's leadership; needing to pray for him as he leads.
• Being a godly mom to these precious little ones who sometimes make me crazy, sometimes livid. E.g. There was poop on my kitchen floor today.
• Walking worthy of the calling I've received (Eph. 4:1). Perhaps this will be my next post; but essentially I'm trying to respond to these and all other challenges in a way that is worthy of the Lord's investment in me and love for me.